So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
