I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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