Apparently you make a good broom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
