The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
