I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
