Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
