Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
