You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
