I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
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I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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