Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Randomize
