If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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