I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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