pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He? As in you personified your dick?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
