eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I touched a dick in church today
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