matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
