too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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