If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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