saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
