Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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