if i can run in heels then i can drive
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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