how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
