maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
