I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How external is "for external use only"?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
