i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
