Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
a search helicopter?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
