I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
