I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
