I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
