The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
