This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
