Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
