I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
