Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
