That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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