he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
