You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
