please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
