I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
