6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
