I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
