I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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