Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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