I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
