That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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