my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
