Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
