I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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