You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
