Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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