in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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