Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
