my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Randomize
