I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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