dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
