The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
