We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
