She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
