you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
