Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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