i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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