in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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