Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
